Growing from our experience

Our last post ended as abruptly as our failed match and didn't leave things on a positive note which is unusual for us. If you read the whole post, then we appreciate you hanging in there with us. It was long and shared a lot of our pain.

Of course we've had to keep going over the last few months. It's been quite a mix of emotions and experiences. Part of the journey has been sorting out what we can take from our failed match. So we've put together some observations. 

• We had heard about many matching experiences and thought we had a good idea of what it would be like to be matched, both in terms of responsibilities and feelings. We had heard that it could be just as complex and chaotic as waiting, but hearing and reading about the stories of others isn't the same as going through an experience yourself. Our failed match definitely gave us a better idea of what matching looks like now that we've seen it from the inside and we have a much better idea of what to expect and how to prepare for next time.

• It feels like we matched too soon. There's really no way to know if that's true, but when we got that call asking if we wanted to match, we went with our good feelings, rather than thinking things though.  We were so excited to have met M and so thrilled at the prospect of becoming parents at last, that we didn't do what we needed to take care of ourselves. Even at the time, it felt like we hadn't learned very much about M and neither of us had spoken to her on the phone. 

• I was fortunate in that I spoke with M a few times on the phone before we unmatched, but Mitch never got a chance to talk to her. This left us with very different feelings about M, especially when we unmatched. At first this made it more difficult for us to support each other. We were both sad, but I was also missing the relationship I had started to cultivate with M. It was harder for Mitch to miss her since he hadn't had the chance to speak with her. Next time we would do everything possible to make sure he is on the phone at least once. Of course, meeting up in person would be even better.

• Being matched is an awesome feeling. It amazed me just how quickly all the anxieties and pains of the wait melted away after we matched. We felt like we could truly move into planning for the rest of our lives rather continuing to spin our wheels while waiting.

• It's one thing to know a fact and another to live it. As waiting families know, the baby you plan to adopt belongs to the biological parents until after he or she is born and they make the final choice to place him or her with you. When we matched it was a mix of talking about and planning for "our" baby, while also respecting the fact that M had quite a while to change her mind and anything could happen. During the time we matched M wanted to share details about her pregnancy and ultrasound pictures. She asked us about baby names and our plans after we came home with the baby. Sometimes these conversations felt very natural and there were days when it felt like we would be parents after M placed her baby with us. Other days it didn't feel real and almost seemed like we were living someone else's life. It was hard to know how excited to be or how much to guard our hearts.

• We had heard that unmatching is very painful, but we weren't prepared for how much we would hurt or for the tidal wave of emotions that would overwhelm us. I was fortunate only once to get pregnant in the 5 years since we decided to start a family and that ended in miscarriage. The pain I felt after unmatching felt a lot like the pain I experienced after my miscarriage, minus the physical pain. I knew it would hurt, but not as much as it did.

• You aren't always going to feel comfortable when you're matched. Again, this is something we knew from the experiences of other couples, but we weren't prepared for just how uncomfortable some things were. We were asked to do things in ways that we didn't like, such as providing expenses in a way that seemed risky to us. Many decisions had to be made quickly, and didn't allow for us to think things through or discuss them with each other as we usually do. We now have a much better idea of what to consider and we're more prepared now to make these snap decisions the next time we match.

• While growth often means that you're not always going to be comfortable, this experience was a fierce reminder that we have to go with our gut feeling and remember that we know what's best for us more than anyone else, even our agency. There may be pressures from others to make decisions quickly or with a particular outcome, but we have live with those decisions. And we need to stand up for ourselves, whether it's sticking to a particular choice or asking for more time to decide, even if it might put the match at risk. After all, while going against our gut feeling might be what saves the match, there's also a good chance that our gut feeling is because the match isn't as solid as we thought. 

• One of the things that saved us from drowning in our sadness and despair after the matched failed were the Pink Martini tickets we bought at the end of April. At the time, I had thought we were nuts to buy them. After all, we had no idea if we'd be parents or not and if we'd even want to go. We decided to buy them knowing we'd give them to a friend if the adoption happened before the concert. When we matched, we were pleased to have such a nice treat as we hunkered down to planning for our baby and tightening up our budget. The match failed just a few days before the concert. At first we felt there was no way we were up for going. Our friend pushed us to go anyway and it was really hard. As much as we wanted to enjoy the show at the Hollywood Bowl, we were very unhappy. It was hard to stay that way though. Pink Martini's enthusiasm got to us pretty quickly and we were glad we went. It was a tiny step to rejoining the world and getting back on our journey, but it helped immensely as did a trip we had planned for the end of July. We had thought about not going on that trip after our match failed, yet realized we desperately needed some time away. Next time we match we'll be sure to have similar activities planned. They are important no matter how things turn out.

• A very positive thing was that we remembered very quickly after we matched that being parents would change everything and that we better live the last of our child-free days as fully as possible. It sounds odd to say that since we've been waiting for so long, but there are things we keep putting off. Among other things, I realized that I probably wouldn't be taking any bead classes for a while after the baby arrived. I was ok with that, but it seemed a shame to miss out on classes before then. So I pulled out the class schedule at my favorite bead store and signed up for several classes through September. I'm so glad I did because reviving my interest in this hobby has kept me going. I met a very talented new instructor and spent more time in my favorite place to bead with people I've known for years. It also inspired us to plan and complete the 2013 Bead Shop Hop which turned out to be another very welcome distraction and so much fun this year.

I had hoped this would be a list of what we learned, but many of these observations are really more us being reminded of what we already knew. Unmatching has been very difficult and painful, but we have grown and are stronger for our experience. Every match is different, but we will certainly keep these things in mind when we are lucky enough to match again. Hopefully that will be soon!

It's October 16th

Ok, saying it's October 16th is just about one of the most obvious things we can say. So on the surface the title to this post doesn't seem to mean much of anything. But for us, today marks 5 months since we met M, the woman we had matched with in early June, and marks 3 months since we unmatched on July 16th. There's nothing particularly notable about any of that, except that it feels like it's time to tell our story about what happened.

We haven't tried to tell our story until now. For a while we simply couldn't, except to a few very close people in our lives. And then it seemed that there was no way to share things from our point of view without compromising M's privacy or our own. Now it feels like it's time to try. I'm not sure how writing about our failed match is going to work out, but we'll see how it goes.

May 16th was a Thursday 5 months ago and it wound up being a very busy day. It was one of those crazy days at work and after months of not hearing from anyone who might be looking to place their child with us, we heard from 3 people, yes 3! Just as I was due to have a meeting with a new employee at work, my cell phone rang. A friend was calling with a potential situation for us. It was a very exciting possibility and needless to say I was on the phone for a while getting as many details as I could. Luckily I managed to send my new co-worker a quick email that I was delayed.

I was so elated after that call. The situation she told me about seemed ideal in so many ways and I thought we might get to match at last. That same day a young woman from the Northwest also sent us an email telling us about her pregnancy and yet another woman from Florida sent us a message through our profile on Adoptimist. The woman from Florida was M and her first message simply asked if closed adoption was an option. That day we thought for sure that the pregnant woman our friend told us about was the match for us, but I went ahead and responded to the other two women anyway.

Our friend sent more details to us about the pregnant woman she knew and over the next few days we sorted through everything. There was another agency already involved with her case and it quickly became clear that the situation was very complex and would ultimately be very expensive, requiring substantial fees paid to the 2nd agency along with high living expenses for the pregnant woman. Unfortunately it was much more than we could afford. So with great sadness we had to say no. We never heard again from the woman in the Northwest, but things continued to develop with M and we were cautiously optimistic that we might become parents at last. 

M's original message to us asked about closed adoption. It was an interesting question. While we were ok with this, the very act of M contacting us meant it would never truly be a closed adoption since we were already in contact. So we started to wonder what she really meant by this . We got our agency involved as things progressed. We learned that it's not unusual for a pregnant woman to ask about closed adoption when she first explores adoption for her child, but then wants things more open as she learns more and a relationship starts to grow with the family she is thinking about.

Things moved very quickly with M as we exchanged several emails over the next couple of weeks. We learned that some of her background was very similar to Mitch's and this seemed to be a sign that there was a good connection. We also discovered that she lived within just a few hours of Mitch's aunt, which seemed perfect given that M wanted a closed adoption. If she chose us and wanted little or no contact after she gave birth, then we could stay with Mitch's aunt instead of on our own in a hotel until we received permission to leave the state with the baby. Everything seemed ideal. We were very excited about the possibility of matching with M and Mitch's aunt was excited too. 

There were many things we liked about M. One of the things we really liked about her was that when she'd tell us that she was going to do something, she did it as quickly as she could. She volunteered to contact our agency soon after our first contact and she did. They asked her to complete a couple of tasks such as getting proof of her pregnancy from her doctor and she got them done as soon as she could. It seemed like she really wanted to move forward with matching. We were unsure what the timing would be and our agency let us know that it's up to the pregnant woman to decide when she's ready to match. The counselor we were working with thought it would be soon and things happened even sooner than we expected. Just a few days later we got a call from the counselor on Monday, June 3rd, not quite 3 weeks after we met M, letting us know that M picked us, yes us! We had 24 hours to decide, but we didn't need this time. Mitch and I had already talked about matching with M so I told our agency yes and we excitedly accepted the match.

We were a bundle of happiness, excitement, relief, and nerves now that we were matched. I include nerves in this bundle because after all, we had never been matched before and it was uncharted territory for us. We had no idea how to navigate it and very little idea of what to expect, especially since M had expressed interest in closed adoption. Her baby wasn't due until the end of October. This gave us plenty of time to sort out details and develop a relationship M if she wanted, but also a lot of time to make mistakes, say or do the wrong things, etc. Our relationship with M was so new and seemed so fragile that we were afraid we'd mess it up. We wanted to keep exchanging messages with her and learn more about her, but we didn't want to pester her with contact she didn't want. 

Things during the first week after we matched were very encouraging. We wanted to announce our match on Facebook and a dear friend reminded me we should ask M first. She was quite right and I'm glad she reminded us of what we knew before we posted anything. We sent M an email to ask her. The response we received was so touching and sweet. She was happy we matched and wanted this to be our experience. We hadn't talked on the phone before we matched. Luckily things worked out for M and I to talk a couple of days after we matched and it was amazing. I was so nervous during our short call, but this was quickly replaced with my joy and M's enthusiasm as we talked. Later that week we heard from our local counselor that M was very happy about our call and our match. She was even talking about us meeting her in Florida before the baby was born and having me in the delivery room so I could start bonding with the baby right away. This was all great news and very promising, though definitely not what we expected given M's interest in closed adoption!

The next step was a match meeting where many details are sorted out including a plan for the hospital when the baby is born. We always thought the match meeting happened before we matched with a pregnant woman, but we were mistaken about this. It was agreed that the best form for our match meeting would be 2-3 conference calls given the 3000 mile distance between M and us. A call was set for June 19th which was 1 month, 3 days after our first contact with M. Mitch hadn't gotten to speak to M on the phone yet so it would be his first chance to talk to her and there were so many important things to talk about and agree on during these calls, including a possible visit to Florida before October. We were very excited and also very nervous about this call. We told ourselves we could do it and picked up the phone when it rang, but M wasn't there.

We didn't see that coming. While we hadn't received any more emails from M, she had followed through on everything until then and was so happy for us. It was a big shock to find that it was just the counselor on other end of the phone. We feared the worst, but our counselor was encouraging. She told us that M had let her know right before the call that she couldn't make it, which was much better than skipping the meeting without telling anyone. We spent a long time on the phone with our counselor talking about the next steps and learning about what M needed for the rest of her pregnancy. We also found out that M's computer was broken which was why we had not received any emails. Our counselor was confident the match was good and thought everything would work out, including meeting M before the birth. She thought M just needed some space, that slowing everything down would help. 

So we reminded the counselor that M could text us instead of email. Over the next couple of weeks we settled down to getting M's expenses sorted out. It was tough because we were very unsettled that there hadn't been a match meeting yet, Mitch still hadn't gotten to talk to M, and we were a little suspicious about some of the details involved in paying M's expenses. The good news was that communication opened up again once we loaded M's cell phone with minutes and we exchanged several texts. She also called a couple times and we chatted about her appointments, baby names, and more. She volunteered to send ultrasound pictures and followed through with sending them right away. We also received more emails once her computer was fixed. 

We settled into enjoying summer and making plans for the big change coming our way at the end of October. Mitch's birthday was right before the summer blackout period on our Disney passes. It was very hot and very crowded that day, but we had a great time at Disneyland and exchanged several messages with M as we made our way around the park. The next week was 4th of July and we enjoyed trading emails with M about our plans. M ended up being called into work that day and it rained in Florida so her kids didn't go out for the fireworks, but everyone was happy with the way their days worked out.

And then it stopped. We went on an overnight trip the Friday after 4th of July. M sent a chatty email that night and a text on the Sunday, but we never received replies to the messages we sent back to her. Our counselor had a hard time reaching M after the holiday weekend and we went for several days not hearing from anyone. It was stressful. We didn't know what to think, especially since we really hoped to get our match meeting sorted out and solidify plans to see M in Florida if she still wanted that before the baby was born. We had planned to load M's phone with more minutes and she knew of our plan, but we weren't sure what to do since we hadn't heard from her. We added more minutes thinking she might have run out, but still didn't hear from her.

Finally, we found out why on the morning of July 16th. I was in the shower and heard pounding on the door. For a second I was irritated, but then immediately realized it had to be something big and it was. Mitch said the counselor needed to talk to us, NOW. So I took the phone even though I had shampoo in my hair and was dripping wet and he went for the other phone. And then we learned we were unmatched, 2 months to the day after we our first contact with M. 

M never talked to anyone about her decision. She simply left a message on our agency's voice mail in the middle of the night. While we didn't hear the message, our understanding is that her family offered to help her so she decided to keep her baby. Our agency reached out to her, but she didn't return their calls or emails. I sent an email saying we understood and wished her the best, but we never got a reply to that email either. 

The ultrasound pictures she had sent were in a prominent place in our home. They caught my eye several times after we unmatched. I'd see them, not knowing what to do with these pictures. We'd never know this baby or her mother. I knew it would be too painful for us to keep them, but I also knew it felt wrong to throw them out or shred them. Finally after wrestling with this for a few days, I found a plain envelope, addressed it to M, put the pictures in with no note, and mailed them back to her. That was our last contact.

29 Months, Believe It or Not

It's been a while since you've heard from us, almost 7 months in fact. We've decided to try something new and post at least an update each month, if not more. So here goes...

As of this weekend we've been waiting 29 months to adopt. It was a pretty tough summer for us. Some of you may know that back in June, we matched with a potential birthmother (let’s call her M). After more than 2 years, it felt like we were finally coming to the end of our wait and the beginning of our life as parents. After 6 weeks filled with both the joy of matching and some pre-parenthood jitters, we suddenly learned that M changed her mind and had decided to parent, and that we were no longer matched.

 

We always wanted the best for everybody involved, and we absolutely and totally respect M’s decision. But knowing that she had made what for her was the best choice, didn’t make it any easier for us to face the fact that we were not going to be parents after all. We both felt a lot of disappointment, some frustration with the system, and even a bit of anger. The unmatching really took the wind out of our sails. Before we matched with M, we had worked very hard to get the word out about our adoption plans to as many people as possible and stay positive along the way. We struggled to sustain the pace of our efforts and keep our spirits up even before we matched. Matching was a blessing in so many ways, including that we finally had a break from all our efforts. When our match ended, we had a terribly difficult time bringing ourselves back to the workbench. The events of June and July had been so emotionally overwhelming that it took everything we had just to keep going. That said, we know that if we are going to be parents, it’s going to be a result of our own hard work and emotional investment.

 

So in September, we have begun to get back into the swing of things again. Friends and long-time followers of this blog and our Facebook page know that September is when we go on the Bead Shop Hop. We did it again this year, following a new route, trying some new strategies, and having a genuinely good time. We have some photos over on Facebook, and you can read about our adventures in 2012 and 2011.

 

We wrapped up this year’s hop with a trip to Disneyland on Friday the 13^th, just in time to see the unveiling of the Haunted Mansion’s Nightmare Before Christmas decorations. It was crowded and chaotic, but fun too.

 

We have seen some things end recently, but with endings come beginnings. Fall is here, bringing cooler weather and lots of opportunities for fun. Maybe we’ll have a treat for Halloween, and someone to give thanks for this Thanksgiving.  We’ll see, and we’ll keep you posted here. In the meantime, thanks always for reading our posts and your support. 

Where's Susan & Mitch?

Not a groundhog, but we saw prairie dogs at the LA Zoo. This one even saw his shadow!

We're still here, just not blogging as much as we'd like! While February is only a few days shorter than the other months, it sure seemed to go by quickly. And went by without any posts from us until today. Somehow we've gotten out of the habit of blogging regularly and we'll be working on that in March. 

Here's a quick update with what we've been up to.  It took us a while to get back up to speed after a tough January, and we’ve been extra busy working on the adoption letter rewrite and taking a few new photos for it. Maybe that’s why the month just flew by.

That’s not to say that we haven’t had some fun, too. Early in the month we went to the Norton Simon Museum in Pasadena to see the Van Gogh self-portrait that was on loan from another museum. We also had a fun trip to see the tigers and prairie dogs (among others) at the LA Zoo with our cousin Beth and her son Jake. Then, we capped off the last weekend of February with an impromptu visit to Disneyland with some friends.

We have more to do, but we'll keep you posted as we do new things and have new adventures. See you in March!

January's Quiet Chaos

A bit of wintry landscape in Montague, Massachusetts

We didn’t intend for so much time to pass before we posted here again, but January has been a tough month for us.

We knew there was going to be one big project this month; we are redesigning the letter about us that our agency shows to women who are considering placing a child for adoption. We’ve had the same one in play since we went live almost 2 years ago, and this was an opportunity to refresh the text, the photos, and the layout to better reflect who we are and what we are like. Obviously, this would take lots of time and effort to get just right, but with so much riding on it, we knew it would be worth it.

Susan took the lead in laying out the pages. We both looked at photos and went over the text, making changes where we found better ways of saying things. We submitted drafts of the letter to the staff at the agency, and Susan had a Skype conference with an advisor at America Adopts who had looked over the latest draft of the letter and had some suggestions.

Then, while all this was going on, we got a phone call. It was from our coordinator at our agency. There was a young woman a few hours from where we live who had just given birth to a little boy. She intended to place her child for adoption, but had not made an adoption plan or matched with anyone yet. Our coordinator wanted to know if we would we be interested in having our information shared with this young woman. Of course we said yes. The initial call came on a Saturday evening. The decision would be made, and the child placed in the arms of his adoptive parents, the next day, Sunday.

We spent that night hoping we would be chosen (there were several other couples who were also being shown to this young woman) and nervous that we would be. There was a chance that we would wake up as waiting prospective parents and go to bed as the parents of a little boy. We were told that we would get a call either way in the late morning or early afternoon.

Susan had a bead class that day, and Mitch had the day off. The call came at noon, to Susan’s cell phone. The birthmother had chosen another couple who lived closed to her. We would have to continue to wait for a match.

At almost the same time, a call came in to the house phone. Mitch answered, thinking it was the agency. Instead, it was his mom in Massachusetts. His grandmother had fallen ill, and had been admitted to the hospital. Her condition was serious, but no one knew what was going to happen. She could recover, as she had before, or she might not.

That was a very tough week to get through. We were not bringing home a child, as we hoped we would, and a beloved member of our family was in the hospital. We talked about what we were feeling and comforted each other.

We continued to work on the adoption letter that week while we waited for updates from Massachusetts. Some days Mitch’s grandma seemed to rally. Other days, she didn’t. We hoped for the best, even as two of Mitch’s aunts traveled to be with his mom at the hospital and to spend time with their mother.

The following Saturday morning, a week after we learned that we hadn’t been picked to be the adoptive parents of that little boy, we got a call from Mitch’s mom. His grandmother had passed away in the hospital the night before.  Susan immediately started making travel arrangements, booking flights, a rental car, and a hotel. We flew on a red-eye from Los Angeles to Hartford by way of Chicago that Tuesday night.

The wake was on Wednesday. It was hard for both of us. We loved Gram so much, and we took comfort in knowing that she loved us too. Other relatives flew and drove in for the wake, and we met many of the people Gram had known and made a positive impact on. She was surrounded by beautiful flowers, and she looked like she was at peace.

The funeral was on Thursday. It was a beautiful service, conducted by a new, young priest who had just come to know Gram and a seasoned priest who had known her for over 50 years. He delivered a wonderful, moving eulogy as we said our goodbyes.

We spent the next couple of days in Massachusetts visiting some of the places Mitch and Gram had enjoyed when he was growing up. We were able to create some nice memories to take with us, and to relive some of the good times we both remembered.

And so here we are, at the end of a busy, difficult January. We’re still working on the letter rewrite, although we hope to have that finished, approved and printed before too long. We’re saddened by the passing of Mitch’s grandmother, but we’re usually able to think of the happy times instead of the sad ones. We wish we could have adopted by now so that Gram was here to meet our little one. Gram's heart was full of love and we know she would have been delighted to welcome a new baby into the family. 

We’re trying to stay positive that we will be chosen to be parents soon. Even in the worst of times, there is a little glimmer of hope that keeps us going. We're looking forward to starting a new month tomorrow. May it bring some new opportunities!

We're ready for a new year!

It’s hard to believe we’ve come to the end of another year already. It seems like just yesterday that were on the Bead Shop Hop, just last week that we were having a great time at the OC Fair, and just last month that we were starting this very blog. 

This year has been one of grand adventures and small moments of happiness for us. We’ve had great times with friends and family, celebrating birthdays and holidays. We’ve been on trips long and short. We’ve seen the mountains, the beach, and the desert. Through it all, though, there has been one common thread.

When we learned to install a car seat, when we spent time at the zoo, when we posed for photos with Winnie the Pooh and Tigger, we wished we were doing all those things as parents. When we learned about children’s books and remembered our many favorites from when we were children, we longed to read to our to our own child. When we decorated our Christmas tree, we wondered how many more Christmases it would be before we see our child’s face light up with wonder.

We did a lot in 2012 with the goal of making our adoption plans a reality. Everything from creating our website and starting this blog, placing online ads, and expanding our social media presence on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest was part of that. We joined new communities online and Susan’s interview in November with Melinda, another adoption blogger, was part of that. Those of you on our Christmas card list got a few of our contact cards and a holiday letter along with the season’s greetings. We did all this because we want to send next year's Christmas cards as a family of three, instead of just the two of us.

The year that’s ending has been a hard one for us, as our wait has stretched out longer than we thought possible. Many of the people who read this blog or follow us on Facebook have helped us through tough times this year. The kind words we’ve received from many of you have made the process a little more tolerable, and we thank you for that.

2012 did have its charms, but we're ready to leave it behind. We hope that 2013 will bring us the baby boy or girl we've been waiting for. And we wish you a Happy New Year!  May 2013 bring you closer to your dreams and be filled with much love, happiness, and joy!

P.S. Let’s all hope that this is the last time we have to wish you a happy new year from just the two of us.

Mitch's Christmas Wish

Mitch reviewing the ornaments before we decorate our Christmas tree.

We’re going to do something a little different with this blog post. Normally, our posts are from both of us, and are written in a shared voice. This post, however, is coming just from Mitch. It’s a look at what Christmas means to a prospective adoptive father, and it is written from Mitch’s point of view.

I like Christmas. I like the lights and decorations. I like the holiday spirit in the air. I even like fruitcake! Christmas is a time to celebrate with family and friends, and to share with the people we love. I’m a very lucky guy: I have my wonderful wife Susan and friends and family near and far. But Christmas is, more than any other time of year, a holiday made for children. We adults trade gifts and listen to Christmas songs, but Santa and Rudolph and presents under the tree are there for the junior set.

We’ve been trying to adopt for almost two years. This is the second Christmas we’ve spent hoping we would be able to hang a “Baby’s First Christmas” ornament on the tree, the second Christmas we wanted to be able to put a tiny stocking up for our little one. While part of the spirit of the season is to share love with the ones we have, it’s hard not to dwell on the member of the family we’ve been waiting to join us for so long.

I don’t want this to sound too sad. I am happy and grateful to have the many people whom we love and who love us. But I want to dress up as Santa. I want to make Popsicle stick and glitter ornaments at craft time with our little one. I want to watch Rudolph and Charlie Brown with our beloved child. I want to be a dad.

That’s really all I want this Christmas, and all the other days of the year. I want to be a father. I want to be a force of good for a child. I want to make a little person feel safe and loved. I want to help a young mind to develop, and a young spirit to love. I want to share what I know, and learn more myself. That’s my Christmas wish.