Growing from our experience

Our last post ended as abruptly as our failed match and didn't leave things on a positive note which is unusual for us. If you read the whole post, then we appreciate you hanging in there with us. It was long and shared a lot of our pain.

Of course we've had to keep going over the last few months. It's been quite a mix of emotions and experiences. Part of the journey has been sorting out what we can take from our failed match. So we've put together some observations. 

• We had heard about many matching experiences and thought we had a good idea of what it would be like to be matched, both in terms of responsibilities and feelings. We had heard that it could be just as complex and chaotic as waiting, but hearing and reading about the stories of others isn't the same as going through an experience yourself. Our failed match definitely gave us a better idea of what matching looks like now that we've seen it from the inside and we have a much better idea of what to expect and how to prepare for next time.

• It feels like we matched too soon. There's really no way to know if that's true, but when we got that call asking if we wanted to match, we went with our good feelings, rather than thinking things though.  We were so excited to have met M and so thrilled at the prospect of becoming parents at last, that we didn't do what we needed to take care of ourselves. Even at the time, it felt like we hadn't learned very much about M and neither of us had spoken to her on the phone. 

• I was fortunate in that I spoke with M a few times on the phone before we unmatched, but Mitch never got a chance to talk to her. This left us with very different feelings about M, especially when we unmatched. At first this made it more difficult for us to support each other. We were both sad, but I was also missing the relationship I had started to cultivate with M. It was harder for Mitch to miss her since he hadn't had the chance to speak with her. Next time we would do everything possible to make sure he is on the phone at least once. Of course, meeting up in person would be even better.

• Being matched is an awesome feeling. It amazed me just how quickly all the anxieties and pains of the wait melted away after we matched. We felt like we could truly move into planning for the rest of our lives rather continuing to spin our wheels while waiting.

• It's one thing to know a fact and another to live it. As waiting families know, the baby you plan to adopt belongs to the biological parents until after he or she is born and they make the final choice to place him or her with you. When we matched it was a mix of talking about and planning for "our" baby, while also respecting the fact that M had quite a while to change her mind and anything could happen. During the time we matched M wanted to share details about her pregnancy and ultrasound pictures. She asked us about baby names and our plans after we came home with the baby. Sometimes these conversations felt very natural and there were days when it felt like we would be parents after M placed her baby with us. Other days it didn't feel real and almost seemed like we were living someone else's life. It was hard to know how excited to be or how much to guard our hearts.

• We had heard that unmatching is very painful, but we weren't prepared for how much we would hurt or for the tidal wave of emotions that would overwhelm us. I was fortunate only once to get pregnant in the 5 years since we decided to start a family and that ended in miscarriage. The pain I felt after unmatching felt a lot like the pain I experienced after my miscarriage, minus the physical pain. I knew it would hurt, but not as much as it did.

• You aren't always going to feel comfortable when you're matched. Again, this is something we knew from the experiences of other couples, but we weren't prepared for just how uncomfortable some things were. We were asked to do things in ways that we didn't like, such as providing expenses in a way that seemed risky to us. Many decisions had to be made quickly, and didn't allow for us to think things through or discuss them with each other as we usually do. We now have a much better idea of what to consider and we're more prepared now to make these snap decisions the next time we match.

• While growth often means that you're not always going to be comfortable, this experience was a fierce reminder that we have to go with our gut feeling and remember that we know what's best for us more than anyone else, even our agency. There may be pressures from others to make decisions quickly or with a particular outcome, but we have live with those decisions. And we need to stand up for ourselves, whether it's sticking to a particular choice or asking for more time to decide, even if it might put the match at risk. After all, while going against our gut feeling might be what saves the match, there's also a good chance that our gut feeling is because the match isn't as solid as we thought. 

• One of the things that saved us from drowning in our sadness and despair after the matched failed were the Pink Martini tickets we bought at the end of April. At the time, I had thought we were nuts to buy them. After all, we had no idea if we'd be parents or not and if we'd even want to go. We decided to buy them knowing we'd give them to a friend if the adoption happened before the concert. When we matched, we were pleased to have such a nice treat as we hunkered down to planning for our baby and tightening up our budget. The match failed just a few days before the concert. At first we felt there was no way we were up for going. Our friend pushed us to go anyway and it was really hard. As much as we wanted to enjoy the show at the Hollywood Bowl, we were very unhappy. It was hard to stay that way though. Pink Martini's enthusiasm got to us pretty quickly and we were glad we went. It was a tiny step to rejoining the world and getting back on our journey, but it helped immensely as did a trip we had planned for the end of July. We had thought about not going on that trip after our match failed, yet realized we desperately needed some time away. Next time we match we'll be sure to have similar activities planned. They are important no matter how things turn out.

• A very positive thing was that we remembered very quickly after we matched that being parents would change everything and that we better live the last of our child-free days as fully as possible. It sounds odd to say that since we've been waiting for so long, but there are things we keep putting off. Among other things, I realized that I probably wouldn't be taking any bead classes for a while after the baby arrived. I was ok with that, but it seemed a shame to miss out on classes before then. So I pulled out the class schedule at my favorite bead store and signed up for several classes through September. I'm so glad I did because reviving my interest in this hobby has kept me going. I met a very talented new instructor and spent more time in my favorite place to bead with people I've known for years. It also inspired us to plan and complete the 2013 Bead Shop Hop which turned out to be another very welcome distraction and so much fun this year.

I had hoped this would be a list of what we learned, but many of these observations are really more us being reminded of what we already knew. Unmatching has been very difficult and painful, but we have grown and are stronger for our experience. Every match is different, but we will certainly keep these things in mind when we are lucky enough to match again. Hopefully that will be soon!